Transformation

I've been struggling with "finding my voice" in real life. To share my story, contribute to a conversation, to say much of anything. I will humbly admit that the enemy has had me firmly in his grip, whispering in my ear constantly. You're not good enough, no one cares what you have to say, you don't have anything meaningful to contribute, just be quiet. I've been able to speak from behind the computer screen, but not in real life. Until yesterday.

We have been going through a sermon series at church, titled Transformation. It has gone along with many of us going through Financial Peace University as well. As we progressed through this series, we were asked to share our own stories of transformation - how the sermon series and FPU were impacting us. Still, I kept quiet. Fortunately, my husband did not. He saw that we had something worth saying and shared it. Our pastor and friend asked if we would like to speak on it yesterday. At first, it was just going to be about FPU and foster care/adoption. Then it morphed into speaking about Harper as well. Hans asked us if we would be willing to tell what led us to where we are now. Instant panic. I told Steve I would just stand there, and he could do the talking.

But then I realized that I had to do it. I needed to tell this story and to face that fear of speaking. The level of anxiety that comes with speaking in public, is for me, higher than anything else I can think of. Heart palpitations, and the inability to calm myself, despite prayer, trying to focus on something else, nothing works. I did pray, a lot, that God would give me the strength to do this, and that He would be glorified through our story, and I believe that those prayers were answered. Thank you to everyone who was there yesterday and thanked us for sharing our story, and for everyone who wasn't there and saw the video on facebook and commented or thanked us in person for sharing.

As far as our foster care certification goes, we have completed our classes, turned in all of our paperwork, been fingerprinted, and had our home safety inspection. We will have one more interview in our home at the beginning of May, and hopefully certification will be official shortly after that. When we initially started down this path, we thought that we would only take children that were younger than Joey, for many reasons. God has told us differently. He had been "nudging" me for a while about being open to older kids, but I was nervous to bring it up with Steve. When I finally did, he said he had been feeling the same nudge. I will be honest, I am terrified of how to handle having a child that is older than the one I have now, especially a teenager. But the teenagers are probably the age group that needs a home the most. Very few people want to foster them, much less adopt them. They have too much baggage, are too difficult. I don't know what the Lord has for us as far as children. If they will come to us as babies or toddlers, or as school aged or middle school aged, or high school age. But I do know that I trust Him, and He will help us to love any child that comes into our home the best that we can.

Another aspect of foster care that we have been struggling with is how many are we willing to foster. We have a five bedroom home, so we have three bedrooms available. We put the crib up in one of them, so we could accept a baby, and the other two rooms have regular beds. We would not be able to take any more than three, due to the size of the bedrooms (each foster child must have 75sq ft of space, and if a room is to be shared, there must be an additional 55sq ft of space), and the cars we currently have. My initial thought was that we could take one or two, at the most, and keep one of the bedrooms available for guests (my parents come to visit a couple times a year, and my sister comes once a year, too). Is that the way God would want us to use the house He provided for us? To hold back one room for ourselves? I am struggling with that one. A lot. My flesh says it's ridiculous to not have a bed readily available for our out-of-town family. Most of the time, more like all of the time, my flesh is wrong. Of course, all of this is hypothetical, because at least one of the children would have to be old enough to ride in the front seat of our cars, and one would have to be young enough to still be in a crib. There is just so much to think about, and I am probably thinking too much, as usual.

One of the sermons during our Transformation series was about hospitality and home idolatry. My favorite line from the sermon was, "We've turned our homes into a sanctuary from the world instead of a sanctuary for the world". Wow. So much to think about and challenge myself on. You can read more about that sermon here. This was super long, so if you read until the end, you get a gold star!

New Chapter

Before losing our sweet Harper, we thought our family would be complete with her arrival. Neither of us had any desire, at that time, to have any more children. When we lost her, we started talking about more children almost right away. There is no way that any other child would replace her, but we knew that our desire was for Joey to have siblings this side of heaven, and believe that was what God promised us as well.

We would talk about adoption on and off, but never really took any steps to find out more about it, until February. We attended a webinar with a local adoption agency, and found out the very basics about international and private domestic adoption. It was a lot to think about, and neither of us seemed to be very gung ho about the idea. The cost and the uncertainty of paying expenses for a birth mother that could change her mind at any time did not sit well with us for some reason. We may have a change of heart, or God may direct us down this path later, but right now, it's not where He is leading us.

A couple of weeks after the webinar, I called DSS, and inquired about adoption. There was an orientation coming up in the first week of March, so we decided to check it out. Our fabulous next door neighbors kept Joey for us, and off we went.

We went into it thinking we were only interested in adoption. When we walked out of the orientation, I was nervous to tell Steve what I thought. I said, "You tell me what you think". I was so relieved to hear that we both felt the same way. We both wanted to become foster parents, hopeful that it would lead to adoption. I don't think this is something that either of us had ever thought of, or thought that we could handle. The thought of having a child in your home for a year, or even two, and then having to say goodbye was so sad. I didn't think I would be able to go through that. But then we realized, we weren't giving God a whole lot of credit. He has carried us through the most difficult trial that we could ever imagine. And we are still standing. Loving another child and having to possibly say goodbye to that child will be difficult, but we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. Philippians 4:13

We had our first MAPP (Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting) class yesterday, and received our huge packet of paperwork to complete and documents needed. I am a little overwhelmed with all of the things that have to be done in a short amount of time, but have already completed a significant portion of the paperwork. There is so much to think about and accomplish in a short amount of time, but we are trusting in God to continue to lead us and help us to know what choices to make. We are excited to possibly add to our family in this way, and even if we don't, we will be blessed to serve in a way that we never would have considered. Please keep us in prayer as we start this new chapter in our lives!

Forward

7 months old. If Harper had been born on her due date (which I know would have been highly unlikely), she would be 7 months old today. What would she be like? Would she be a good napper (unlike her brother)? Would she sleep through the night occasionally? Would I still be nursing her? (I only nursed Joey for a few months, my body did not cooperate). Would she be trying to do the one-legged army crawl like her brother yet? Would she have any hair? Would she be eating solids? Would she have any teeth?

I wish I could know the answer to even one of these questions. Instead, I am working on her memory box. A place to put her "things" - ultrasound pictures, hospital bracelets, and sympathy cards. I didn't save the positive pregnancy test. There are almost no pictures of me when I was pregnant with her. I didn't keep a journal of all the "firsts" of her life. And I so wish I had. If I had only known that those are all I would ever have...

I remain hopeful that we will someday be blessed with more children this side of heaven. However, my body is not cooperating. I've had quite a few troubling immune system issues, and my body is just not working right. I finally went to a new primary care doctor, and she ordered lots of blood work. 20 tubes of it, to be exact. I go back for results on March 20th. Although I don't want there to be something "wrong", it would be a relief to find an explanation for all the weirdness.

In trying to move forward (not on - I will not ever "get over" losing my child), I am learning how to sew. My next door neighbor, who has also become a dear friend, is an experienced sewer, and has graciously offered to sew with me and teach me. We are having our first sewing session for Harper's Legacy on Wednesday, and I'm so excited to be able to serve the baby loss community in my hometown from afar. Steve and I were so blessed by Threads of Love here in Baton Rouge, and I hope that the blankets, gowns, hats, and memory envelopes can bring some small comfort to families who are going through this awful trial.

God is also leading us down a path that we would never have imagined going down. More on that in another post, because it deserves its own.

Just a couple of pictures

that hurt my heart.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. Revelation 21:4

(Also, if the person who put a little balloon at Harper's grave is reading this, thank you. So much. It was so sweet to know that someone had been there besides us.)

Six months later

My sweet Harper,

It has been 6 months since I held you for the first and last time. It was the most difficult day of my life, to go through the pain of child birth, knowing there would be no prize at the end. No screaming baby, just silence. Your tiny body was so fragile, I could not bear to hold you for long, fearing I may break you. Instead, the nurse dressed you in a beautiful Threads of Love gown and placed you in a tiny basket. Daddy and I held you for hours in the basket, kissed your cheeks and forehead, studied your perfect hands and feet.

I hate that we are separated from you, and from God. I hate that we live in this fallen world, with pain, sickness, hurt, violence, hatred, war, and poverty. But, I rejoice that you will never know any of these things. That the only thing you will ever know is love and joy. I rejoice that you are safe in the arms of Jesus, and that we will all be together again someday.

Tomorrow we celebrate the birth of Jesus. An event that changed this world forever. I am so thankful that Jesus chose to humble himself and become man, to suffer and die for all of us, that all who believe in him would not die, but have eternal life in paradise. I rejoice that God knows my pain, the pain of death, but that the death that we know is not the end. It is the beginning. I can't even begin to wrap my head around what Jesus endured, and how much God loved us, to sacrifice his son for us,  for Jesus to take our punishment for us on the cross.

I rejoice that even though I can never be "good enough" to get into heaven, I am saved by the grace of God. The sacrifice of Jesus, and my belief in my savior and his sacrifice means that even though I am a horrible, wretched sinner, I will see him, and you, my daughter, someday.

I am thankful for the word of God and for his promises. God told me when I was pregnant with your brother that I would have a son and should name him Joseph. And we did. I was completely unaware of the meaning of your brother's name at the time, and did not learn it until much later. Joseph was the first-born son of Jacob and Rachel. Rachel was infertile, and saw Jacob's other wives have many children. When the time was right, God blessed Rachel with a son, whom she named Joseph, which means "May he add" (Genesis 30:24).

I trust that God will bless us with more children someday, children that will live here with us on earth. I believe that was what he promised us when he told us to name your brother Joseph. We have been reading passages from the Bible all month, one for each day. When we read Luke 1:45, I was again reassured of that promise: And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord.

I read stories of women who became pregnant again soon after they lost a baby, and hoped that would be me. But it is not. We are still waiting. As painful and heartbreaking as it is, I know that the plans of the Lord are always a million times better than anything that I can think of. Your daddy is a testament to that. I went through many years of loneliness, heartache, and sadness before God blessed me with him. It was worth every single second of waiting. And I know this season of waiting will be worth it, too. Whether we are blessed with children that are born from my body or grown in our hearts, it will be so much more awesome than anything we can imagine.

Harper Pauline, you have blessed us in so many ways, even though you never took a breath on this earth. Friendships have been made, others have been served, ministries have been started, compassion and empathy have grown. I trust that this is only the beginning of your legacy. We love you so much, and can't wait to meet you in heaven.

Love,

Mommy

Holidays

With this being our first Christmas since Harper went to heaven, and the first Christmas that Joey is starting to understand what Christmas is about, we are trying to create some family traditions.

One of the things I most enjoyed during the month of December as a child was our Advent calendar. It was simple, made of fabric and felt, and had a little mouse that we moved every day. While I don't have the calendar (I think my sister actually does), I wanted to re-create that for Joey. We did a short 12 day devotional for Thanksgiving, and he really loved "doing numbers" each day. I found this calendar at Dillard's,

(Joey takes the ornaments out of the pockets, and points to where he wants them to hang on the tree)

and we read a short Bible passage each day.  

For our Christmas card, we bought a Christmas outfit for our Harper bear at Build-a-Bear, and took her picture and Joey's picture, and tried to get one of them together. One of the decisions we had to make was how to sign the card. Do we sign everyone's name individually? If so, do we include Harper? I hate having to make these decisions. In the end, we signed it, "The Cottrell Family" and left it at that.

Harper bear in my childhood rocking chair.

How I wish this was him hugging his 4 month old sister, and not a bear.

My sister made ornaments for both kids, and I love them! My sweet friend also bought a special butterfly ornament for Harper.

I'm sure we will add more things as time goes on.

 One of the other things I agonized over was decorations for the cemetery. I hate going to the cemetery. Before today, I had only been twice. Once to see her marker, and once to put decorations up. I was at Hobby Lobby earlier this week, and thought maybe I should try and find something for her. I spent way too long wandering around, but I found some flowers and a wreath and a bow. We went to put them out this morning, and am so glad I decided to do it. It is a beautiful, sunny day, and you can see her grave when you drive up. We were pleasantly surprised that all of her things from the summer were still there and looked great. We replaced the summer-y flowers and moved her angel and wind chimes to make room for the wreath. Joey ran right up to her grave. He knew exactly which one it was, which makes me both happy and sad. 

Joey is playing with her wind chimes, and couldn't be bothered with looking up! The bow is actually purple, but looks kind of blue in the picture.

Christmas eve will be 6 months since her body and mine were separated. This Sunday will be 6 months since she went to heaven. We are planning to do a Happy Birthday Jesus and Harper cake on Christmas eve. I am glad that my parents will be here with us, but missing my sister and my nieces in New York terribly. It's just not the same without all of us together.

Thankful

It's been a few weeks since my last post. I think I've been ignoring my grief. I was so immersed in it during October with the capture your grief posts, that I needed a break. However, now that the holidays are upon us, I can no longer hide from it.

We started decorating the house for Christmas yesterday. This is the first house we have ever spent a second Christmas in as a family, so the decorations are still a work in progress. The most challenging part, thus far, has been to figure out how to include Harper in our celebration of the birth of our Savior, when she is with Him, and not with us. I bought an "H" ornament, and a Christmas outfit at Build-a-Bear for Harper bear. I hate that I have to buy an outfit for a bear instead of an outfit for my would-be 3 month old daughter, but it can't be changed, and I refuse to pretend that she didn't exist. I am going to attempt to take a Christmas card picture of Joey and Harper bear, and go from there.

Now that Joey is 2, we are trying to create some family traditions. This year, we did a thankful tree. There were 30 leaves, 1 for each day of November, and Steve and I took turns writing things we were thankful for. Our hope is that this is something simple that we can do every year, and Joey will be able to help with in future years.

In no particular order, here is what was written on our 30 leaves:

God's love

Doctors

Paramedics

God-given talents

God's promise keeping

Church

Naps

Military

Technology

Grace

Jesus

Clean water

Warm beds

Clothes

Police

Freedom

Div-dog

Dada's work

Forgiveness

Shoes

Food

Safe cars

Electricity

Safety

Family

Health

Heat/AC

Friends

Neighbors

Firefighters

There are so many more things that we are thankful for, I am sure we could do 1 leaf for every day of the year, and still not cover it all. We are so blessed and want to teach Joey to be thankful in all circumstances.

One more thing that I am especially thankful for is a friend of my sister. She is a professional photographer, and took a few of the not-so-professional photos that we had of Harper, and edited them for free. She has a family of her own, with little ones, and took a big chunk of time away from them to help someone she has never met. I now have a couple of photos of my baby girl that are gorgeous, and do not look like a picture of a dead baby, but of a sleeping newborn. She made her look so beautiful that I may actually share them someday.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18